Some stories shy away from the hard things. This Distance We Call Love by Carol Dines is one that does not.
These stories explore the complexities of contemporary family life with a fine balance of humor and insight. The collection takes its title from the interwoven themes of connection and disconnection in our most intimate relationships. Sisters battle issues of duty and obligation when one becomes homeless, a mother and daughter take a trip to Mexico only to be followed by the daughter’s stalker, a family living in Rome must contend with their daughter’s rape, parents navigate raising their only child in the age of climate change, a biracial daughter whose mother is dying battles her own internet sex addiction: these come together in a thought-provoking volume.
While some relationships fall apart, others remain entrenched in old patterns and stay grappling with notions of self and duty. Altogether, the stories delve deeply into the relationships that impact and inform our lives, creating a portrait of authentic American family life today. We were happy to ask the author to elaborate upon these concepts that make her work so original and unique. Read our review here.
Q: Why did you write This Distance We Call Love?
A: I have always been a person intrigued by relationships. Why do some relationships last while others end? Why do two distinctly different people from different backgrounds fall in love in the first place? And how do family patterns and culture impact adult children as they forge lives away from their families of origin?
Before I began the book I wrote down the following theme: explore the tension between the demands of relationships and the demand in ourselves to keep growing. That theme arose out of my own struggles with boundaries in relationships. I’m an introvert, and most introverts, I think, struggle with boundaries: how to remain close while also having alone time. From my perspective, whenever boundaries widen — how much we confide to another person, how much time we spend together and how much we give of ourselves to a relationship — there can be a sense of distance.
Distances are often felt in those relationships that matter most: families, friends, lovers and spouses. In this book, I wanted to explore the different kinds of distances — psychological, emotional, sexual and geographical. I thought the exploration of distances in our most intimate relationships would be an interesting idea for unifying a collection of stories.
Q: What got you interested in the idea of piecing together many different perspectives and stories? Did anything from your background help you bring the story to life?
A: I felt the span of ages and perspectives gave different lenses into relationships. Screen use has changed the way we connect and also the very nature of connection. I’ve seen how difficult it is for young people to forge relationships in a culture that relies on social media for connection and creates a kind of marketplace for intimacy. Studies show loneliness is growing in our culture, and many people are choosing to live alone. In this collection of stories, I wanted to explore many perspectives.
Even though the plots are entirely fictional, the characters and places in all 13 stories are all very familiar to me. I always begin a story by thinking about a conflict, something my characters are working through in their lives. Then I find the voice to tell the story, and then I situate the story. Sometimes all these elements are there right from the start, as in the stories set in Italy and Mexico. I lived in Rome and Florence for eight years, so the stories set in Italy came out of my experience there. I also grew up in Rochester, Minnesota, home of the Mayo Clinic, so the stories focused on medicine also were influenced by my childhood memories.
Q: There must have been plenty of research necessary since you yourself haven’t lived all 13 life journeys! How much did you know going in, and how much did you learn along the way? Of everything you’ve learned, what surprised you the most?
A: I am a big reader of both fiction and nonfiction, especially books about science, climate change, medicine and animals. Going into this book, I knew I wanted to write about contemporary families and relationships, and there were themes of interest that stemmed from my own reading — climate change, orangutans, Sargasso sea — that found their way into the stories.
What surprised me most in writing this book was how close I felt to the characters, even the men. I don’t know exactly where the characters came from, but all of them — children, women and men — felt as if they were already inside me and I was channeling their voices as I wrote the stories.
Q: Have any of the characters in particular captured your attention or remained in your mind after finishing writing?
A: The character who resonates most with me at this moment in time is Lilly. A woman in her sixties, she travels to Mexico for a yoga retreat with her adult daughter only to discover the daughter’s stalker has followed them. The story plumbs the complexity of parenting adult children and the strong bond between mothers and daughters. Lilly’s transformation comes when her daughter tells her she doesn’t want children, and Lilly must let go of her own disappointment. We all bring expectations to relationships, and the other side of expectation is disappointment. In “Sargasso Sea,” Lilly desperately wants her daughter to marry and have children, but when her daughter explains she doesn’t want that life, Lilly learns to let go of her own disappointment in order to move forward in her relationship with her daughter.
Q: What are some key insights that you took away from this experience?
A: I have always believed those we love most have the most power to wound us. I wanted to write about the unintentional wounds — the silences meant to protect ourselves or others, or the silence that arrives from a lack of introspection and communication. All my characters are trying to love the best they can, but sometimes they don’t know what they need and want from relationships; other times they don’t know how to communicate their needs, and other times the world around them changes, impacting their relationships.
Writing these stories, I was reminded that the point of relationships is not to necessarily be happy but to grow and understand more about ourselves.
Q: What are some things you’d like readers to take away?
A: In each story the primary protagonist goes through some kind of transformation. Sometimes the transformation means separating or leaving a relationship and other times it means going deeper into the relationship. I would hope the stories might provoke readers to reflect on their arcs of transformation in their own relationships.
Q: Any new projects in store? Do you have plans to write another book set in this time period?
A: I have a young adult novel coming out next fall from Fitzroy Books titled The Take-Over Friend. The forthcoming novel is about shifting boundaries in a friendship that turns toxic.
I am also at work on a novel for adults about one family — four generations — with deep political divisions. When one daughter disappears after a protest, the tensions grow, revealing uncomfortable truths about the family as a whole. The novel explores what it means to be a family in our contemporary American culture.
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About Carol Dines:
Carol Dines was born in Rochester, Minnesota. Her recent collection of short stories for adults is called This Distance We Call Love and her newest novel, The Take-Over Friend, will be published in fall 2022. Carol Dines’ previous books include two novels for young adults, Best Friends Tell the Best Lies, The Queen’s Soprano, as well as a collection of short stories, Talk to Me. In addition, she has published numerous poems and stories for adults in journals and anthologies. She is a recipient of the Judy Blume award as well as a recipient of Minnesota and Wisconsin State Artist Fellowships.
Carol received a BA from Stanford and an MA in English from Colorado State University. She has taught writing to all ages. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband, Jack Zipes, and standard poodle.
