Pick Your Battles: Relationships by Miles & Trisha Power

My boyfriend and I, while not married, have been together for over 20 years. We laugh about how we have been together longer than many married couples! We have a great relationship and love each other deeply, but, like most couples, can bicker, build up resentments and have trouble seeing eye to eye sometimes. So when I had the opportunity to read the book, Pick Your Battles: Relationships by Miles & Trisha Power, I thought “hey, why not?” 

Well, I’m really glad I did! “Honey, I’m reading this book, Pick Your Battles and it might actually be helpful to us. I’ll let you know,” I told my boyfriend. Next thing you know, I’m using the strategies in the book, and they work like a charm! Wow! Everyone should read this book and not just for couple relationships … I think it would also work well for other relationships in your life.

Communication Is the Key

The cover of the book says, “Make your relationship stronger … through fighting!” What? Well, maybe not actually ‘fighting’ but, as the subtitle of the book says, “A simple method for approaching and resolving conflict for a healthier, happier relationship.” Now, that makes sense.

As mentioned in the foreword of the book, “What it comes down to is most people just want to be listened to … Once you’ve listened, the door opens to figure out what’s important and what’s not important … Communication is the key, especially when the end goal is to thrive as a couple … Over the course of a relationship, there will be many misunderstandings and hardships. It’s best to pick your battles.”

The authors use great personal examples throughout the book (theirs as well as friends), starting with a bit of advice Miles was given on his and Trisha’s wedding day by a good friend and colleague, Todd. Todd said that “in marriage — in life, really — you’ve got to learn to pick your battles.” Fast forward to Miles and Trisha’s honeymoon in Italy just days later when they were faced with a ‘situation’ with their rental car, a narrow one-way road blocked by a street market and a man screaming in Italian and waving his arms for them to move their car. When Trisha snapped at Miles, “What are you doing???” Miles responded, “Is this the Battle you want to pick” with a wink and a laugh, and this tense exchange quickly turned around. This was the very moment when the “Pick Your Battles” philosophy was born.

Rules of Engagement

The authors cover many specifics of the Pick Your Battles strategy and discuss a variety of situations – here are just a few of the sections in the book:

• Commencing Battle: What makes a Battle a Battle?
• Timing: Choosing the right time to Pick Your Battle.
• Holding Your Ground: You cannot give and give and give. Sometimes you DO have to pick a Battle.
• Conceding Defeat: Sometimes losing isn’t the worst thing that can happen.
• Gracious in Victory: Even when you win a Battle, you have to live with your opponent afterward.
• Decline to Engage: Sometimes you shouldn’t Pick a Battle at all.
• Atom Bombs: How to Battle over big topics without blowing everything up.

The authors stress that the most important things to keep in mind during Battles are empathy, communication and respect, and remember that every Battle begins with love. Sometimes you might win a Battle and sometimes you might lose, but it’s important to remember that in the end, you are on the same side with your partner, you love each other, and the success of your relationship is what truly matters. 

So, the other day, my boyfriend and I were at the start of a potential argument over something that we’ve fought about before, but, this time, before it blew up, I stopped and asked him if this was a Battle he wanted to fight. Without hesitation, he immediately said, “Yes.” This made me stop in my tracks. I suddenly realized just how important this was to him. So, I calmly listened, took in all that he had to say, let him know I heard him and would try to make a change. He now felt appreciated and loved and we never did have that fight that was brewing. This was a revelation and I felt so happy that we were able to change things around in a way that worked for both of us and, ultimately, strengthened our relationship. Picking Your Battles really works!