In the memoir, You. The Real State of Life, in which Austin Bergman describes his experience and emotions coming out as a gay man, the author recalls the first time he went to the grocery store after his divorce, when he stood in the middle of the store and cried.
“It was overwhelming. I was literally trying to pick up the pieces of my life after doing a 180 degree turn. I was vulnerable and fragile. At the same time, my life was a balancing act. I was getting to know who I was while living in this new-found freedom.”
On the surface, and to the casual observer, it might have appeared that Bergman already had the perfect life: a lovely wife, two beautiful children, a thriving real estate practice, and money that would buy him and his family pretty much anything. By a judgmental society’s norms, he had it all in what he calls his “white picket fence” existence.
It was a dream life, but whose dream exactly, and at what price?
The price was steep; he was living a lie. “Money can buy the appearance of what we want people to believe and accept,” he writes. “There is no freedom in true lies.”
He had known since childhood that he was gay but didn’t acknowledge it for a long time — especially growing up in a small “redneckish” town in Virginia that thrived on the construction industry. He was raised Catholic, his father was an alcoholic, and there was much domestic violence around the home.
As an adult with a model family and successful business, he eventually knew it was time to come out. Authenticity was more important than any effects he was about to confront. He lost almost everything — from tangible possessions and high bank balances to people he thought were his friends. And he learned a ton in the process.
“Self-acceptance is knowing your weaknesses, strengths and true sense of self-satisfaction. This requires owning your faults, mistakes and areas of improvement while continuing to love yourself.”
Bergman’s memoir, while necessarily discomforting in parts, is inspiring in many. It is a short work that moves quickly, provides great insight into his emotions, and offers great guidance to anyone who does not feel they are living their true lives and not experiencing the world as their true selves. Don’t live your life for others, or how you think they think you should.
In her foreword, Pepine Realty Founder and CEO Betsey Pepine says, “I have always been drawn to people who have both the curiosity and courage to discover and be their authentic selves. As human beings, we feel the pressure to live under the structure, constraints and expectations of the groups into which we are born.”
Bergman’s tale leaves readers with a happy ending although there was a lot of pain along the way — which he would not trade for the end result. Ultimately, he chose to live by the words of a quote for which he provides no attribution, “Stop shrinking to fit into places you’ve outgrown.”
