Choosing Life by Blue Andrews
There’s a word I was looking for that, unless I missed it, does not appear in Blue Andrews’ gripping memoir, Choosing Life: One Man’s Journey Through Alcoholism and Depression to Wellness and Self-Discovery.
That word is courage. Probably because it’s not a word a writer would necessarily bestow on himself, especially in the context of recounting blow by painful blow, drink by debilitating drink, the nightmarish grief, depression and eventual suicide attempt that put his life literally on the brink.
Andrews doesn’t say it, but it’s courage on display here — the courage to tell a brutal story about a life self-destructing day by day, hitting the lowest of lows and then having the courage to, as the book’s title suggests, choose life by undergoing a long and arduous recovery process.
“I may or may not get one bit of recognition from sharing what I’d completed. But it felt like the right thing for me to do … Maybe I could help someone else out along the way,” Andrews writes. “Sharing my own vulnerabilities allows others to open up with their own. They can go through the same discoveries I do.”
Drowning in Grief
As might seem more commonplace than unusual in circumstances like these, Andrews appeared to have it all — a decent upbringing, a circle of close friends, popularity, perhaps from being a star athlete, and a promising future. He parlayed that into a career, solid jobs and a beautiful family with wife and kids.
Andrews also was a star at something else: he was a world-class drinker, which started out as a way to bond and socialize but eventually became the root of his problems.
The drinking was elevated by the great and sudden loss Andrews experienced that took its toll — his father’s non-presence, the early deaths of two special friends and shortly after the death of his mother.
“I couldn’t address the grief, so I began drowning in it.”
Andrews has a wonderful writing touch, able to communicate clearly and convincingly every minute detail of his emotions and actions that led to destruction. One can feel the pain but also the therapeutic effect of the narrative.
It got to the point where Andrews was seeing a world through his unique and perhaps distorted lens: “I felt like a ghost. As if no one could see me, my body nonexistent, thinking someone could just brush my shoulder and not feel a thing. People were talking through me, not to me … In my head I was already gone.”
Coming Up for Air
Yet this is a book of hope. It is a book of self-discovery and coming to terms with a condition that many cannot overcome. It is deftly and beautifully delivered. Andrews chose life. And he is here to tell about how he made that choice and what he did about it — in the hope that maybe he can help other troubled souls have the courage to do the same.
Listen to this man now: “I find myself at the most peace when I walk around the house in the middle of the night, peek in on all four kids, stare at them asleep with their heads on a pillow and covers placed just right. If the covers are piled too high, I will lightly creep closer to see their faces. Then I make it back to my room and crawl into bed. Before laying my head down, I rest on an elbow, staring at my wife. I put my hand gently on her head, just for a moment, so softly not to wake her, and smile.”
It’s a beautiful image. And a beautiful outcome. About a man who had the courage to choose life.
About Blue Andrews:
Blue Andrews is a stay-at-home dad living across the lake from Seattle with his beautiful wife and four incredible children. Outside of spending time with his family, he enjoys exercising, live music and road trips. He developed CREEDS Living in response to his struggles with loss and grieving, alcoholism, depression, and low self-esteem. His goal with CREEDS Living is to provide information and insight around Connection, Reflection, Expression, Exercise, Diet and Sleep, and remind people to consider their own creeds.
