This is a story of a sad 7-year-old girl, a volatile and aggressive 14-year-old boy, a petrified 3-year-old child, and a cult leader. Spoiler alert: they’re all in one head. Another spoiler alert: this is a true story. These and 30 other parts of the author’s mind make for an eventual diagnosis of DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. Dr. Shelley Kolton tells the story of a childhood full of terrible abuse and the unfathomable lengths her own mind went to in order to try to protect her.
The author is one of the co-founders of the first all-women’s OB/GYN practice in New York City and has a wife and children in addition to her work recovering from DID. Somehow, it all comes together in an extraordinary individual life pieced together through intense therapy and trauma healing, recorded in the book Brain Storm: A Life in Pieces. We talked to the author about her experience, and we read and wrote a review of her book (accompany this article with that review here.)
Q: What made you decide you wanted to share your story with others in the form of a book?
A: I actually wrote the book for my children. I felt that I owed them an explanation for some of my behavior while they were growing up. Somewhere in my head, I always knew that this would take the form of a book, as I wanted to have something to give them. As I neared the end of my recovery I felt this was an important story to share outside of the safety of my immediate family and friends. A book enabled me to accomplish both things.
Q: The book includes journal entries and emails written by you yourself while going through this process. How helpful was having past documents in the construction of this book?
A: The journal entries and emails were invaluable and I cannot imagine having reconstructed the process without them. During the greater part of my recovery, I was not integrated and so many of the things I wrote often came as a surprise to me later on. That said, the different things that I wrote were familiar to my different parts, mostly to Writer, who was aware of everything that had happened. The journal entries and emails also brought my parts to life in a way that memory alone could not. Their personalities, their needs, their relationship with my family and, crucially, my therapist Yael, were all made clear and explicit in these emails.
Q: A large portion of the book centers around DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). How much external research did you need to do, if any, while writing?
A: To me, Dissociative Identity Disorder meant, in a word, “Sybil.” When I was first diagnosed in 2007, I had no greater understanding of it than the average person. Yael had never treated a DID patient and so we both had a lot to learn along the way. We read voraciously, looking for help on how to recover, and how to replicate a healing process that might have been useful for others seeking to recover. Unfortunately, there was not a lot of written material on DID which was, at times, very frustrating. One thing was clear: I researched both lay and professional literature and found the diagnosis was often not made, not believed and not treated.
Q: Throughout the book, you describe how writing down memories helped you in the recovery process. Was writing this book also therapeutic, or was it painful to revisit some of these instances again?
A: Writing this book was more therapeutic than it was disturbing. The memories almost always occurred during my sessions with Yael and they were horrendous. I would write them down afterwards so that I could remember them later on. Years into my process of recovery, when I would read old memories, they would be newly horrific but I was always glad that I had written them down. Some memories were expanded upon in therapy, with details that were more painful to remember than those that had come before. It was always hard for me to read a memory knowing that there might be more details of that memory yet to recall. That usually left me with a sense of dread, but all of this helped me put the pieces together and to heal.
Q: Your book includes many individuals from your personal life. How did your loved ones react when they learned you were writing a book about these experiences?
A: First and foremost was my wife, Susie, a writer herself and my greatest cheerleader. Having lived it she was able to fill in many blanks. She felt that, while painful, writing my story would not only be cathartic but, once completed, important to see published. My oldest daughter, Flannery, was also enthusiastic about my writing a book. She had researched ritual abuse and was certain that I had been a victim. She saw the book as being important not only as an exposé but a compelling memoir as well. My two youngest girls, Lili and Ruthie, gave me their young blessings but didn’t really know, specifically, what the book was about or how they would be portrayed in it. Now, as young adults entering college, they are both clear that they will not read the book until some future date when they are able to process the story. Hopefully, they will see it as an honest depiction of who they were growing up and how my living with DID impacted not just them but our entire family.
Q: What do you hope readers will walk away with after reading Brain Storm?
A: There are actually so many things I hope that readers will take away from Brain Storm. Most importantly, for anyone who has survived abuse of any kind, I hope that they feel heard and that they see a way out of their own darkness. For those, especially with DID and a history of cult abuse, my wish is that they realize there is hope for healing. I am optimistic that the therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists who may question the existence of multiple personalities will recognize DID and ritual abuse as real, and believe that the many people with DID have been misdiagnosed and have the potential to heal. Lastly, finding the right therapist who will put in the extraordinary amount of time (and life) it takes to partner with you on the journey to recovery is a rare but wonderful gift. Having people in your life who are supportive, compassionate and who love you unconditionally is, equally, a rare and wonderful gift. None of it is easy and there are no guarantees but I am, thankfully, one of the lucky ones
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About Shelley Kolton MD:
Shelley Kolton is one of the co-founders the first all women’s OB/GYN practice in New York City. She currently lives in the city with her wife, two of her three daughters and her beloved Pitbull, Gracie. Kolton discovered that she had multiple personalities in 2007 and struggled to recover from horrendous cult abuse over the next 13 years. She wrote Brain Storm: A Life in Pieces for her family and then decided to publish it in order to educate the public about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and Satanic cult abuse.
