Why?
Recently, I was asked by a friend for professional advice; I loathe giving business advice. Don’t get me wrong, I am honored when someone thinks I can add value, but I don’t enjoy talking about business. My career would suggest I am well-versed in various business topics; I have done a lot of things. So reluctantly I typically agree to engage with friends; in this case my dear friend could ask for almost anything, and I would try.
Funny thing about giving advice: if you allow yourself, you can quickly become authoritative. It is easy to pontificate; after all, they are seeking your thoughts, might as well offer them. In my younger days, I followed this mindset; as I have matured, I talk less about what I know and ask more of the person seeking guidance. Said differently, I have decided giving advice isn’t about offering solutions; it is about helping someone frame their thoughts so they can best get to an optimal answer.
My friend was asking my opinion about a business he was considering starting. He wanted me to jump into the weeds with him and give him my recommendation. I could have done that. Likely my advice would have sounded thoughtful but would have been shallow. Honestly, I didn’t have experience in the business he was interested in; I had opinions about his early conclusions.
Rather than follow his lead, I asked him, “Why do you want to do this?”
He immediately responded with his rehearsed assessment of the business opportunity, blah, blah, blah. I cut him off. “No, what I am asking is why do you want to do this?”
The question caught him off guard. He had not viewed the looming decision in a personal light. He was so focused on the merits of the business and the potential economic gain he forgot to think about the core questions: “Why do this? Why now? Why is this important to you? Does this fit your lifestyle and mirror what you want?”
As you have likely guessed, the nature of the conversation and the tone changed dramatically. No longer was he seeking guidance about business considerations; he was now looking to answer more important questions, more difficult questions. My role changed from counselor to questioner; I concluded I would be effective if he left with a framework for how to solve his looming decision.
Once you have tried this approach to advising someone, it is rather easy. Conversations naturally flow, and I have found people really appreciate it. What I have also found is that it is hard to follow my example; that isn’t hard to believe. It is reminiscent of do as I say, not as I do.
My burgeoning writing career is a perfect example. It is easy for me to lose sight of why I am writing. Why do I put myself out there? In fact, now that I am being reviewed by unknown critics, I can slip into a mental exercise of wondering why they said what they said or why they didn’t like what I wrote. You can play a never-ending game of why people are doing this or saying this about me. It is maddening and counterproductive. And yet, like anyone else, there is a tendency to look outward for the answer to why as opposed to inward.
Maybe I am growing as a person; I hope so. Lately, I am getting better at pointing the why question in the right direction: directly at me. It is good progress. It is something I wish more people would find the gumption to try. I find life and the world to be a tad bit chaotic. Hate seems to be prevalent, and people seem to find pleasure in fanning the flames of emotion. If we aren’t careful, we can spend all our time worrying about ancillary things. Or we can ask ourselves the “why” questions. Seek peace within our own rational decision-making process and ignore those who seek to impart their wisdom on our personal journey.
Read BookTrib’s review of Michael’s book, Lost in the Holler
