Let’s face it, you guys. Fairy tale princes really aren’t in the same league as their princesses. Fairy tale princesses may be valiant, beautiful and resourceful, but—correct me if I’m wrong—the princes a) are too handsome (there would be some competition for the retinol-C skin serum), b) have all the personality of button mushrooms and c) are kinda, well, creepy.
Yes, creepy. Think about how Snow White’s Mr. Right “falls in love” with her while she’s dead in a crystal casket. Ew. Or how the Little Mermaid’s heartthrob is super into her when she has never uttered a single word to him (He calls her “my dumb foundling, with those expressive eyes,” OK?).
Then there’s the prince of Sleeping Beauty, who roams the countryside looking for cute girls like a guy who has jimmied off his ankle monitor. And I believe Cinderella’s prince’s Foot and Shoe, um, disorder has been well documented. To be honest, the only hero with any charisma is Beast in Beauty and the Beast, and that’s only up until the point he transforms into a Baywatch hunk.
For Valentine’s Day, I want to offer those poor ladies some Prince Alternatives. These are guys who can help them solve their problems. Not just look hot in a white jacket with gold epaulets.
- Prince “Can I Borrow Your Pumps.”
- The ShamWow! Guy or the Kaboom Guy (or she could date both until she decided which one has better cleaning power).
- The sort of nerdy guy at the ball to whom the Prince tried to give an atomic wedgie but who says he is about to solve the world energy crisis with cold fusion.
The Little Mermaid
- Prince “You Look So Pretty When You Don’t Talk.”
- A highly-regarded speech therapist who owns a submarine.
- A vampire, who can demonstrate how it’s much more fun not to own a human soul.
The Sleeping Beauty
- Prince “Break, Enter, and Smooch.”
- The diligent owner of a John Deere weeding machine, who will pause in hacking the overgrown roses only to give Beauty the quickest kiss.
- One of the Platt Brothers, Victorian manufacturers of Chapon’s patent cup spinning machine (which does not have spindles).
- “One of the loveliest princes that eye ever beheld.”
- A lawyer who is able to convince a judge and jury that Dad didn’t really steal the rose, he just thought the garden looked a little asymmetrical.
- Keep him as the Beast. Obviously.