The (Crackpot) Theories You Need as We Countdown to Star Wars

Our nerdy little hearts are thrumming like the Millennium Falcon kicking into hyper drive as we count down to Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens epic opening December 18. To share our excitement as we wait, two members of our Nerd Squad—Word Nerd and the Scarlet Pencil—have agreed to share their, um…creative…theories about the movie with you and let the rest of us get back to watching the Funny or Die Star Wars Christmas Special. While there are no true spoilers here, be forewarned. They may actually stumble upon something that could be true. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

WHERE THE HELL IS LUKE?

Could anyone have possibly missed that the last Jedi has only been spotted as a robotic hand reaching out to R2D2 from beneath a cape? Otherwise, he’s nowhere—not on the posters or in the trailers or even available as a Funko POP.

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R2-D2 and Luke Skywalker

He’s gone to the Dark Side:

There’s going to be a big reveal with Luke, something that any sort of art would ruin. Having him go to the Dark Side would be gasp-inducing and reminiscent of “Luke I am your father” in Empire Strikes Back. The symmetry would be perfect and it would set in motion a conflict that lives at the very heart of the Jedi—does absolute power corrupt absolutely? Besides, Luke as a hero was bland and we all know how well Mark Hammill now does villains.

In the most fan-service move ever, he’s the new Obi-Wan:

Most of the plot to The Force Awakens is probably going to be a journey by our new young heroes to find Luke. After the craziness of the last six films, caused in large part by people finagling with The Force, Luke has probably isolated himself on some mysterious planet in an attempt to let all memory of the Jedi and the Sith fade into history (which is why Han tells Finn and Rey that “it’s all true” to gasps in the trailer). Nobody knows where he is, but everybody hopes that finding his lightsaber will help make his locations and motivations clear.

WHO IS RELATED TO WHOM?

Let’s face it; Star Wars has been a family story from the very beginning. But who is related to whom (besides Luke and Leia)?

It’s all relative:

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Sana Starros

The two bright young things (Finn and Rey) in the new movie are extremely reminiscent of two other fledgling warriors from long, long ago. One raised in the Empire, the other among the Rebellion in the outer planets. Of course, the genders are a little different than they were in A New Hope, but I propose that Leia and Han got together and had Rey—who wasn’t raised to know her parents. So where does Finn come in? Well, according to Marvel’s Star Wars comic that has been accepted as canon, Han had a wife named Sana Starros. I submit that Finn is his son from that marriage and being the space cowboy that he is, he had no idea he was a father.

Not everyone is related:

Fans are expecting the “It’s like poetry, it rhymes” rule to apply to the new movies—meaning that everyone has to be related, and there needs to be at least one set of twins. What if the title of The Force Awakens is referring to the fact that new people are going to be Force-sensitive, without being related to the Skywalkers, like Finn and Poe Dameron? If there has to be a set of twins, it’ll be Kylo Ren and Rey (they have alliterative names), but it wouldn’t be surprising to have the relationships we expect end up as red herrings.

WHAT’S THE ENDGAME FOR THE FORCE AWAKENS?

It’s always the Death Star:

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So, there’s a Death Star in the background of the official poster (call it “Starkiller Base” all you want, it’s a Death Star). Instead of a traditional Death Star, the new one is going to be somehow incorporated into the icy planet we’ve seen pictures of Kylo Ren looking intimidating on. To be clear, it won’t be a planet-sized space station, but rather a planet that’s been somehow converted into a station that moves around and kills other planets. Additionally, in a totally unsurprising twist, the Death Star is going to survive whatever attack the good guys throw at it, and will blow up a few planets between The Force Awakens and the next movie.

Enough with the Death Stars already:

As good as the original movies were, it was a constant chorus of “Oh, no! A Death Star! How do we blow up a Death Star?” I’d like to think that J.J. Abrams has something more exciting and original up his sleeve. That plotline was straight out of mid-20th century Cold War/Arms Race hysteria—and we all know that science fiction is really about the period in which it’s written. I suspect that the Big Bad this time might be the infiltration of the Knights of Ren and their Sith ideology taking over the outer planets.

WHAT’S THE MOST CRACKPOT OF ALL CRACKPOT THEORIES?

George Lucas is behind it all:

After The Force Awakens is wildly successful at the box office, George Lucas will get jealous of J.J. Abrams’s success. He will lure Abrams to the Dark Side with the promise of teaching him how to stop people making fun of his lens flares. With his newfound influence, Lucas will get Abrams to grow an unruly beard, and ruin the last two movies by refocusing the plot on the Gungans and Chewbacca’s extended family.

Returns of the Midi-chlorians:

We will discover that everything is being controlled by the Midi-chlorians who are tired of living in the cells of sentient creatures interpreting The Force. They are poised to take over the galaxy. The day will be saved when Hermoine Granger helps them unionize. Oh, wait. Wrong franchise.

 

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