It’s that time again, when Apple invites thousands of industry professionals to their highly-anticipated event and announces: the same exact products as last year. This is exactly why we have trust issues, Apple. And just as expected, our favorite technological powerhouse hyped up its next versions of its best-selling products. Yep, the iPhone 6S and 6S Plus are on their way — but, wait, what do you mean the only external change to this new smartphone is a new color? Well, I’m here to tell ya, Apple, you gotta try harder than that. I can’t be bought with shiny new colors! You see, this amazing, yet small, change means your iPhone could now be rose gold. ROSE FRICKEN GOLD? Nope, not here. Give me a purple iPhone and then I’ll buy as many as you ask me to (OK, so maybe I can be bought with colors, but not this one!).

As an avid Apple user, and self-proclaimed Apple Genius(!), I find it a bit lackluster that this company continues to follow the pattern of significant changes to its products in even years and spends the odd years, well, making things odd? Apple is known for small incremental updates during these off years and 2015 is just no different. From battery life to new software features, don’t expect Apple to roll out a slim new bod or possible smaller size for us tiny-handed folk who aren’t fond of dropping their iPhone on the floor (or their faces!) when they try and text with one hand on the iPhone 6.

But calm yourselves Apple lovers, I’m not trying to knock the brand — hell I live the brand. I’m just a bit disappointed we’re not seeing any REAL innovation anymore.

“The only thing that’s changed is everything,” is what is plastered not-so-subtly on Apple’s website. Hmm, who thought up that bit of genius? But seriously, what madness will they think of selling us next?


A satirical look at the future of the iPhone


  • Apple unveils Force Touch, which is basically like a right-click for the iPhone.
  • Apple unveils Apple Pencil. It might be $99 and have a shitty tagline like “Completely familiar. Entirely Revolutionary.” but, sign me up for at least two!
  • Apple unveils iPad Pro. Bigger, and better than ever(?).
  • Apple unveils better iSight cameras and video, including a new feature where you can turn your stills into a video or a GIF.
  • Apple unveils iOS 9! Think smarter Siri, longer battery life (please, be real this time!) and so many other goodies tucked into its predictable aluminum shell.
  • Apple unveils a new Apple TV running a new operating service called tvOS. The future of TV is apps, and I couldn’t agree more. Sign me up for five!

Whether you’re an Apple user, or, dare I say, a Droid user, you’ve got to admit that you always want to be an Apple user. So, what do you think of Apple’s new lineup? Will you be running to the store to pick up any, or maybe all of these products? Let us know in the comments below.  

Recommended reading:

iPhone For Dummies by Edward C. Baig and Bob LeVitus (For Dummies, November 2014)

iphone for dummiesBecause everyone who is anyone will eventually conform to owning one of these bad boys. And when you do (I’m talking to you Android users) you’ll need an extensive, yet comprehensive, guide to working that amazing contraption we call an iPhone. Try and look past the part about being dummies. You is kind, you is smart, you is gonna be an Apple user soon enough!