How Han Solo Destroyed My Self-Esteem

I’ve always had something of a tenuous relationship with Han Solo. Sure, I appreciate the quippy one-liners and sexy smirks as much as the next guy. Also, as a cat owner, I know what it’s like to have a furry beast with the mind of a toddler infect each of your waking hours with constant attention-seeking behavior and a desire for basic, animal needs. So on some level, I totally get the whole Han thing.

My problem with Han has always been, chiefly, that I’m nothing like him.


han solo comparison2
Above: Comparative Analysis


See what I mean? I’ve tried throughout my entire life to be more Han-ish, but to no avail. I’ve somehow ended up looking less like Han Solo and more Stanley Tucci from The Lovely Bones. And that’s probably good for me because if anyone’s attractive, it’s Stanley Tucci from The Lovely Bones.


“Hey girl, you want to go get some Applebees?”


As you’d imagine, the recent news that there’s actually going to be a whole Han Solo prequel made the internet hotter than a freshly lightsaber-severed limb. My response?


han 2
If only his trigger finger were a bit twitchier.


So now we’re going to get another young, hot stud to play a popular science fiction figure while I’m over here looking like the only part I’ve got a chance of getting is Carl in Dadbods: The Musical.


dad bod
Above: Broadway Sensation.


Actually, I’d totally see that musical. Anyway, the whole Han announcement has just sent me into a whirlwind of self-loathing. I mean of course I’m going to see the movie, which is being directed by Christopher Miller and Phil Lord who have had recent success with 21 Jump Street and The LEGO Movie (if “Everything Is Awesome” didn’t just blare in your head, you’re not an American).

But that I’m going to see it isn’t the point. The point is why do we constantly have to fill Hollywood with guys who the rest of us are nothing like? Why can’t Marvel add “Tom the Accountant Who Hasn’t Taken a Sick Day in Seven Years” to The Avengers lineup? I say, if we have to have a Star Wars prequel, let’s do it on General Akbar. I mean, I don’t think I’m alone in sharing way more physical similarities with Akbar than Han.


“Don’t see the prequel. It’s a trap!”


Recommended Reading:

Tim and Eric’s Zone Theory: 7 Easy Steps to Achieve a Perfect Life (Grand Central Publishing; July 7, 2015)

coverIf there is any book that can yank me out of my self-destructive cycle, it’s the recently released, “Game-changing life system” from Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim. Tim and Eric have been a part of my life for several years now and for good reason. Their absurdist humor flies right over the heads of some people, but for me, there’s nothing that makes me collapse on the floor in fits of laughter faster than the collective effort(s) of Tim and Eric. And now we can enjoy what’s sure to be their completely insane take on self-improvement in the form of Zone Theory. Reader beware, this book is going to take you to some very weird places that you’ve never been to before.