“[E]veryone knows if I were left to my own devices, I could die.” So says Chelsea Handler in the final essay in her newest collection, Uganda Be Kidding Me (Grand Central Publishing, March). You might not think that someone like this would be able to give you very good advice, but that’s where you’d be wrong.
Handler is a comedian, host of the E! late night talk show “Chelsea Lately,” and the bestselling author of Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, and Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. In Uganda Be Kidding Me, she recounts her own hilarious antics while on various vacations, along the way providing answers to your most pressing life questions.
How many Xanax should I take over the course of two days?
Eight. If you split them in half before taking them, they will work faster. Take both halves, though, obviously.
What should I do before setting out on a safari tour in South Africa?
Who sang “American Pie”?
What’s the solution to male pattern baldness?
Pubic hair transplants.
What’s the best way to get out of plans with a guy you don’t really like, but have been stringing along with faux sexy e-mails and pictures of your cleavage?
Tell him you are having vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
Should I fly my dog on a private jet to New York? (I’ll be flying commercially.)
Only if you believe he is the reincarnation of your mother.
What do I do when I realize that my traveling companion is deathly afraid of flying? Take a Vicodin (split in half for faster effect) while you watch him clench his jaw and pray not to die.
What about when you’re on a ski lift and it turns out that same guy is also afraid of heights? (Why did he invite me on this trip, anyway?)
Smoke the weed you happened to find in your pocket. Use the trail map you were smart enough to procure while hopelessly lost to roll the joint.
Where is the best place for me to explosively void my bowels while on vacation in the Bahamas?
In a kayak next to the beach club.
There you have it: Everything you need to know to live the life of a jet-setting celebrity. For more of Handler’s acerbic humor and additional life advice, check out the book.