If you’re single, Valentines Day can be a real crusher, reminding you of the fact that you’ve not found your special someone and everybody else on the planet apparently has. Or so it seems with all the “He went to Jared” and “Every kiss begins with K” jewelry commercials, plus your friends and relatives fretting about what gifts to give their sweethearts and whether they can reserve a table for two at Chez Restaurant du Jour. You might also have your mom chiming in and asking if you’ve met anyone, and your grandma trying to fix you up with her bridge partner’s myopic, asthmatic, socially challenged grandkid (who’s apparently a real catch if you can ignore the coke-bottle lenses, the wheezing, and the inability to look you directly in the eyes).
So yeah, it sucks to be single on Valentines Day. The good news is that you can easily make this day much, much worse. And who doesn’t want that? Below, I’ve listed five surefire ways to turn an already awful Valentine’s Day into an absolute dumpster fire. Any one of these suggestions is pretty much guaranteed to make you miserable. If you’re a truly self-abusive glutton for punishment with lots and lots of energy, you might be able to pack all five into your Valentine’s Day of Woe.
- Instead of doing something healthy like going to the gym, use the internet or a hookup app to arrange a sexual encounter with a total stranger, or maybe even a sex worker. It is best to wake up really early for this, somewhere around 4 a.m., because that greatly increases your odds of meeting a dangerous meth addict, thereby adding a bit of spice to what otherwise is likely to be a relatively humdrum sex act.
- Instead of eating a healthy breakfast and going to work, treat yourself to a Bloody Mary (or several) before you even bother showering. You’ll know you’ve had enough when you decide you don’t need a shower. Then you can rescue yesterday’s attire from the dirty clothes hamper, call in sick, and head to a nearby bar. Take an Uber to get there so the driver can wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. At the bar, order a double and tell the bartender a long, rambling story about the guy/girl you loved in high school who dumped you and started dating your best friend. After your third double, buy a round of shots for all the other losers in the bar. Then drag one of them into a bathroom for some sloppy unprotected sex that you’ll definitely regret later.
- If you’re not a barfly, you can still get drunk and skip work. Just knock back a few extra drinks at home and then spend your workday watching internet pornography. Because getting loaded while watching other people have emotionally disinterested sex is a great way to remind yourself how utterly lonely and disconnected you are. Plus, you’ll end up feeling like a gross dirty pervert, which does wonders for your self-esteem.
- Instead of calling a good single friend to commiserate about your mutual loneliness, check in with your most recent ex. Ask about the gory details that caused him/her to break up with you. Try to get this person on the phone during the workday or right around 8 p.m., when he/she is likely to be enjoying a romantic dinner with your replacement. The more inconvenient your call, the better, as that will help your ex remember all the things he/she hates about you.
- Speaking of exes, instead of going to bed at your usual time, spend the evening (into the wee hours) cruising Facebook and other social media sites, looking up all the people who ever dumped you. If some of these folks have unfriended you, surf the fringes of their profile via their friends’ profiles. Then ask them to re-friend you, so you can obsess for several days about why they haven’t accepted your request. If you can get any of your exes to actually chat with you, ask if they want to come over for a quickie “for old time’s sake.” Because yet another rejection will really help with your mood. If one of them is desperate and lonely enough to take you up on your offer, that’s even better, because now you can have some really bad sex with a person you don’t actually like who might be even more miserable and depressed than you are. Is there a better way than that to top off a rotten day? If so, I’ve not yet found it.
So there you have it: five great ways to make sure your single person’s Valentine’s Day is the all-time worst. Follow these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to hate this Hallmark holiday more than ever—as long as you don’t screw things up by doing something healthy or fun like hanging out with your single friends, curling up with a good book or a movie, taking your dog for a long walk in the park, treating yourself to a well-deserved spa day, a gourmet dinner, or just plain talking about your feelings with someone who loves you and cares about you. Things like that are almost certain to get you out of your head and make you feel better about your life and the fact that you are single. And you wouldn’t want that. Not on Valentine’s Day.
The preceding material is drawn, in part, from research conducted for the books Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating and Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is a digital-age intimacy and relationships expert specializing in infidelity and addictions—in particular sex, porn, and love addiction. An internationally acknowledged clinician, he has served as a subject expert for multiple media outlets including The Oprah Winfrey Network, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Daily Beast, and CNN, among others. He blogs regularly for Psychology Today, Huffington Post, Psych Central, Counselor Magazine, I Love Recovery Café, and Mind Body Green. Currently, he is Senior Vice President of National Clinical Development for Elements Behavioral Health, creating and overseeing addiction and mental health treatment programs for more than a dozen high-end treatment facilities, including Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, The Ranch in rural Tennessee, and The Right Step in Texas. Rob was instrumental in bringing Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Way™ curriculum into the Elements system. Previously, he developed intimacy disorder and sexual addiction treatment programming for both men and women at the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles and The Life Healing Center in New Mexico. For more information please visit his website, robertweissmsw.com, or follow him on Twitter, @RobWeissMSW.